When we tell you that we are going to present you with a host of unsolicited Dick pics, you probably assume we mean something like this:

Good guess! But, no.

Penises in Peculiar Places

(with a Side of Spectacularly Strange Ballsacks)

From the Artemision Bronze to Michelangelo’s David to the fresco of Priapus in Pompeii, medieval and Renaissance art history is packed with penises. But those are pretty boring boners. We’ve gathered a very NSFW collection of weird willies from medieval manuscripts that will leave you thinking “WTF?”

1.  Consider this dynamic duo of marginal man meat. We appreciate that these dongs seem to be pointing directly at the start of a new paragraph. Though we decided to divide this article with ordinary ordinal numbers, we may consider using Biggus Dickus bullet points in the future. They certainly do get your attention.

2. And then there’s this classic drawing of a woman offering a fish to a cat in exchange for the johnson in its jaws. The longer we look at this picture, the more questions we have. Where did the feline get the phallus? Why does the woman want it back so badly? What role is the jester and his proffered pouch play in this? But what we really want to know … was the trade successful? Judging by the cat’s face, we think the pussy got the upperhand.

3. We’re baffled and bemused by these cockfruit trees. We heard that good dick doesn’t grow on trees, but this illustration seems to suggest otherwise. First of all, where can we find one of these? And secondly … nope, that was actually our only pressing question about this hardwood forest. Fun fact: these particular plucked penises were the illustrative creation of a 14th century husband and wife run atelier in Paris.

4. Check out this lovely 14th century lady riding Falkor, the luck-dick. Dick-dragon? Either way, it’s smirking, flying, and ready for a neverending bawdy bedtime story. Plus, this erotic equipment has ears, so we can only hope that it’ll listen to what she wants. Hey, a girl can dream.

5. And then we have this fellow’s roger-revealing regalia. It looks like he tried to read up on how to do tree pose instead of watching the yoga instructor and ended up tangled in his own testicles. Instructions unclear; penis stuck in manuscript margin. Do not try this at home.

6. There’s also this apparent penis peace offering. Long before roses and chocolates were a requisite gift from hapless husbands, this illustration seems to indicate that women requested recompense with a different sort of package. But let’s be honest, some of us still prefer dicks to daisies when it comes to an apology.

7. This pre-cursor to Lonely Island’s “Dick in a box.” On a Saturday night in 1209, Justus Timberlake offers his johnson in a jar to a fair maiden. If that doesn’t go over too well, he’ll try the cock in a crock, the chub in a tub, or the always-popular fumes in a flagon. Surely she’ll be impressed by that.

BONUS! Beware this bodacious bagpipe ballsack. A testament to testicular artistry, this musical man-bit would probably make a menacing melody if squeezed too hard.

At the end of the day it is clear that our Medieval forebearers were not as shy about gentials as we may be today, but also that dick jokes clearly have a long, if questionable history.

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